Weapons of Mass Consumption

By Danny Cathcart

                The university policy in regards to student conduct might not be something universally understood. This pertains especially to the consumption of alcohol; something that is relevant to a majority of the student body.

According to the office of student development, all students must abide by Ohio and federal laws regarding alcohol possession and consumption.  The university expects all students to abide by these laws by not drinking under the age of 21, drinking and drive, or violating any number of laws concerning alcohol use that supersede the university’s authority. 

There is also a clause that restricts disorderly conduct and causing damages or inconveniences to other persons or property after knocking a few back which also happens to bear resemblance to more than a few laws existing in communities beyond the borders of Wittenberg.

There is also a campus-wide ban of kegs in an effort to cut down on binge drinking and underage consumption.

The university attempts to quell the epidemic of mass-consumption that has afflicted higher education in America for nearly half a century. Explicitly forbidden are seemingly commonplace weekend fixtures as beer pong, flip cup, and card games. Such policies indicate that the administration believes these actions could lead to a situation in which a student endangers him or herself.

The administration’s war on mass consumption goes further, outlawing not only participation in such games but also devices perceived to be mass consumption devices.

The only devices listed by name by the Wittenberg University Alcohol Policy, available online to both student and non-student alike, are beer bongs and funnels.  To clarify, Merriam Webster Online dictionary defines a funnel as follows, “a device shaped like a hollow cone with a tube extending from the point.”

The general consensus on the definition of a “beer bong”, however, is merely a funnel used for the purpose of ingesting large quantities of an alcoholic beverage quickly.

Also listed on the University website under the category of devices for mass consumption is “etc.”  The Director of Student Conduct, Krystal Reeb, shed some light on the enigmatic reference; “etc.” by explaining that this includes both beer pong tables and solo cups.