April 15, 2024

One leg under the covers, the other leg slightly bent so only the knee and shin are poking out from under the covers, (wouldn’t want the bad guys to attack you in your vulnerable non-covered sleeping state). Oversized t-shirt and pj pants, preferably the ones with the sledding dogs on them from Old Navy that your mom got you for Christmas.

The bedtime algorithm continues to go unsolved. Time for Mark 16.

Last nights combo wasn’t the right one. Woke up in the middle of the night sweating after a dream about the Titanic (Rose actually didn’t let Jack die. She finally utilized all the copious amounts of extra space on her piece of debris). You’ll have to try something else tonight, a t-shirt and shorts? That might be too much. Maybe a long sleeve shirt and shorts?

Shoot, too cold that time, missed the mark. Okay. Let’s figure this out. The cold dorm is set at a constant 65 degrees year round. Your post-shower wet hair makes it feel a lot colder in there than it actually is, which complicates the outfit and blanket equation. Sheet plus comforter plus that Bath and Body Works blanket that you got for free on Black Friday equals optimal comfort, but only occasionally. There must be other factors.

A long sleeve shirt and pants have worked well in the past, so someone must be messing with the thermostat. There’s just no other way. Both legs under the covers, oversized crewneck from Volunteers of America, sledding dogs pj pants, minus that additional blanket from Target and… socks? No, you can’t fall into that trap. What kind of person wears socks to bed?

Socks entrap your feet in a cage of heat and fall off your feet halfway through the night anyways. But, how else do you keep your feet warm? Is there some other method that everyone else knows that you don’t? Maybe it’s the tucked under Bath and Body Works blanket that does it, engulfing your cold toes into a hearth of warmth and shea butter.

The Bath and Body Works tuck was a little much. There’s just too much moving around that’s involved. The sheets move together and the bedframe creaks with your efforts. In that quiet room, it basically sounds like your driving a freight train through the middle of the room. I’m sure someone is awake listening to me situate myself. Oops.

What if all that moving around lets all the bad guys in the room know that you’ve finally made it to bed and you’re ready to be murdered in your sleep? There was that one time you went to bed and your friend was hiding in your bed, waiting to scare the life out of you. I know you remember screaming and falling to the ground. She got you good, better not slack off again or else she’ll catch you in your next vulnerable state. Better refrain from the Bath and Body Works tuck, too risky and calls too much attention to yourself.

So, did you find the perfect sleep combination? Maybe not sleep at all and stay up super late watching Jersey Shore to avoid all your sleep related issues? Perfect. Glad we came to the same conclusion.

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