July 18, 2024

First off, wrong. There are laws, in fact, there are several laws. This concept, although a motto to live by, has more repercussions than benefits. Everyone loves their White Claws, in fact, I’m craving several right now. But those Claws create a dangerous mindset.

All across the country, White Claws have built a mass following that not many things can outdo. Several companies have even tried to mimic the taste, but no, I’m sorry, they need to give up. Natty, your seltzers serve as a bad after taste after you’ve decided to throw an orange into a beer to be “healthy.” And PBR Seltzer, I have never even seen you.

So you’re probably asking yourself, with all the repercussions of the Claws, why on earth would I want to drink these? Well young grasshopper, it is because White Claws give off the invincibility without the aftermath… most of the time. They, unlike beers, are gluten-free, 100 calories, and have an amazing fizzy taste that reminds you of a cold Sprite on a hot summer day. So, instead of spending your next day releasing all of your stomach’s contents and grieving over the mass amount of calories you consumed the night before, you can spend it feeling relatively replenished, hydrated and ready to start again. 

But back to the reason we began this article. Laws do exist when drinking Claws.

Let me paint you a picture: It’s a beautiful fall day, the leaves are blowing, the sun is out, and there is a soft breeze that makes it just cool enough to wear a sweatshirt but too cold to wear a jacket (you know, the perfect sweater weather). The sun is beginning to set and the evening is about to begin. You hear it down the hall, the pop and fizzle as someone cracks open a cold Claw. Immediately mouths are watering so you can only imagine what happens next.

With a drink comes music and with music comes a rowdy bunch of girls beginning the process of getting ready. Tonight’s theme is Skype Interview, so the question is always, how much cleavage should you show? The answer is as much as you want. Time begins to fly and laughter fills the halls. You finish your Claw, so you open another and then another and then another until you are ready to depart for the pregame.

At the pregame, music is bumping and you get that feeling. Invincibility has struck and it will stay flowing as those Claws keep going. There it is, the bell. It’s game time. Your gaggle of gals begins your “long” commute to the party (so 5 minutes). Along your way, you see it, sitting pretty on alumni way, glistening in the moonlight, it looks like it’s wearing a nice yellow scarf (caution tape). So what is this majestic item? A cone. That’s right, a cone wanting to be stolen and placed in a much more admired place (my house).

Those Claws begin to talk, and so does your best Dirty Blonde friend, and before you know it, you are dragging a large pylon cone down alumni way and to your house. The next morning when you awake from your drunken slumber you sit up and think to yourself “oh $h@t.” But it’s too late now, so it stays. 

Now you’re probably thinking, you stole a cone, so what? I do that every day and sometimes I pee on Wally Witt while stealing a cone. But here’s the kicker: As the cone is sitting pretty in my house being admired by people as they pass through, I get a phone call from the Wittenberg Police Department. They tell me there has been an incident that I was involved in and they need a statement from me.

Being the good kid I thought I was, I thought nothing of it. But I was very wrong. As I approached the police department a weird feeling entered my body, I knew something bad was about to occur. I sit down in front of two officers and then it begins “you have the right to remain…” well you know how it ends. Immediately, tears began to fall and I thought “I look horrible in orange.”  Let’s fast forward now, no I did not go to jail, no I did not get fined, a warning next to my name is all I received. 

There you have it. The time I got my Miranda rights read to me (I feel like a Disney star). As a result of that my family constantly sends me pictures of cones, costumes of cones, and the occasional physical cone. In fact, I received two for Christmas. But to answer your question, no I do not regret it. Would I do it again? Depends on my level of White Claw. So what should you take from this? There are laws when drinking Claws. But that does not mean you should not consume them. In fact, go get yourself a variety pack right now. 

Enjoy your week, 

Your Dirty Blondes 

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