For this week’s column, I’ve decided to pay homage to perhaps the most well-known use of a column: an advice column. Of course, this isn’t an advice column so to add a little twist to it, I’ve decided to answer questions with only inappropriate or wrong answers.
Q: How does one streak The Hollow?
A: To start with, I believe that this time of year is the perfect time to do so, thank you for asking. The few inches of snow on the ground and below freezing temperatures are ideal for most nude outdoor activities. To answer your question directly, you don’t; streaking The Hollow this time of year is simply not environmentally conscious, and the world can use all the help it can get. Random individuals running around naked in the middle of the night scares the trees and, due to the sight of your pale cheeks bouncing around, actually results in them resorbing into themselves. The trees cringe when they see naked students. The door to Recitation that one must squish their cheeks into as part of the streaking ritual is actually coated with special receptors that warn local grasses and flowers of a naked presence , forcing them to burrow deep underground, acting as an electric blanket for the Earth’s core, which is obviously already pretty hot. The core’s temperature rises twice as quickly, resulting in the heating of the Earth and the imminent death of humanity.
Q: I’m a freshman here and I’ve been told that it’s a tradition to make out with Wally Witt before Christmas break to celebrate the end of finals. Is that true? If so, how should I go about it?
A: First of all, obviously it’s true. Everything upperclassmen tell you about this campus is 100% true, and that’s a fact. If I were in your position, I think I would plan my make out with Wally right in the middle of the day, on a Monday perhaps, in between classes so that all of your friends can be there to support and encourage you. Once you’ve selected the right time of day, you need to ask for consent and this is the most important step. I’m not going to sit here and describe to you how you should specifically make out with Wally Witt (not that kind of column, weirdos). But after consent is given, you have the go ahead. A little more upperclassmen advice for you while I’m at it: I would actually advise that you make this part of your regular weekly schedule, as each kiss significantly improves the probability of getting good grades on your finals. Upperclassmen also suggest that freshmen take regular baths in the fountain at the bottom of Myers Hill. It builds character.
Q: I have a couple classes with this girl that I really like but I don’t think she even knows I exist. Should I ask her out anyways?
Q: How do you find the motivation to workout?
A: I get inspiration to workout by spending hours upon hours scrolling through workout videos and vegan meal recipes on Instagram and taking screenshots of all the easy recipes and cute active-wear sets that I see. I spend a majority of my afternoons scrolling and double tapping, a critical step to the process. By the time I’m done looking at my phone, it’s time for my second dinner and I have to walk all the way from my room on the third floor to the kitchen and back. And that my friend, is a workout.